Reason 6 – Because I Can’t Use the Cake that the Frenchman Does

God damn, seriously. Is this not the one thought all men have fantasized about since we realized we had things in our pants? Imagine if you could just fully control a sexual situation and make any girl explode with horniness. Walk by any girl and make her insta-attracted to you, take off her pants and do it anywhere. The Frenchman can do this. It’s safe to say, the Frenchman is the most bad ass man in this entire movie. Maybe the most bad ass character in any movie.

Let’s set up the scene. The Oracle sends the gang to meet the Frenchman to get the Keymaker. But the Frenchman wipes his ass with them using his arrogant intelligence and tells them they’re being bitches for the Oracle. In fact, they were. They had truly no idea why they needed the Keymaker, just that they needed him.

Hey guys wanna see my cock, I mean cake?

Hey guys wanna see my cock, I mean cake?

So he talks about power and cause and effect for a few minutes before sending them on their merry way. But during this talk, he demonstrates this with a program he wrote, disguised as a piece of cake. It is a delivered to a blonde bomb shell.

This ain't no space cake.

This ain't no space cake.

Well, as she takes just one small bite, the feeling takes over her. Why is this happening to her? What is this feeling? But soon, the why doesn’t matter and she forgets about the reason. She just embraces her inner-whore and thinks nothing else except sucking the Frenchmans, well, Frenchman. Of course, this is all subliminal until we actually see the fireworks going off in her panties.

So that's what happens down there!

So that's what happens down there!

Then it is obvious, this slut wants some cock. No, I said that wrong. She needs some cock. She needs cock for her survival. There is no question, pure slut-stinct (that’s slut+instinct for all the morans) takes over. She then gets up to go to the bathroom, but not to tinkle. She goes there for a very special meeting. And once the Frenchman dismisses the gang, he soon joins her.

Now you may say this reason for why the Matrix sucks isn’t really a reason at all. But instead it’s just an envious post commenting on how I wish I could do what the Frenchman does. And you would be right. I’m just a poor jealous bastard, sitting behind a laptop, commenting on a random scene in a shitty movie on the internet who cries himself to sleep each and every night. But shit, can you SERIOUSLY imagine being able to do this?! I’m not the only one who has fantisized about this, am I? And not just for sexual pleasure, but for anything. And the Frenchman can do it.

I love him so much but it makes me hate the movie that much more. Fuck you, Matrix and your god damn whacky ass space cake. This reason is listed because it makes me hate my life just a little bit more. The thought of being this Godlike makes my life that much more depressing. It almost makes me wish my life was trapped within the Matrix so I could perhaps learn how to do this. Do you think the Frenchman needs an apprentice? I’m willing to relocate.

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8 Responses to Reason 6 – Because I Can’t Use the Cake that the Frenchman Does

  1. You a bit of a hypocrirte... says:

    “slut-stinct (that’s slut+instinct for all the morans)”

    In on of your critisisms, you were talking about people who can’t get their grammar right [Their, There, They’re]!

    Morans is actually spelt MorOns!

  2. WTMS says:


  3. zacenroe86 says:

    What do you mean “wish you were in the Matrix.” You are in the Matrix, we all are. Capitalism

  4. WTMS says:

    Yeah, we might be. But what does this have to do with Capitalism?

  5. giggidy giggidy says:

    Space cake!!!!

  6. WTMS says:


  7. Jamison says:

    Here’s the truth, ever since I’d discovered that I couldn’t fly like Superman, I gave up on the notion of hypnotizing supermodels to give me a BJ in a five star restaurant.

    With the above said, the solution is to live in a society where brothels are legal: Australia/NZ, a lot of western & eastern Europe, Central/South America, southeast Asia, etc, and boink a model, once every week or two.

    I’ve done the above, for a few months, and it works. I’ve never been tempted by a movie plot device trick ever since.

  8. WTMS says:

    ha, well I’m glad that is working out for you. I’d still rather have the cake.

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